Being Scared

“The Laws are very simple. 1. Thought is creative. 2. Fear attracts like energy. 3. Love is all there is.”

-Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God

As a little kid, being afraid meant covering my eyes at the part of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video when he turns around with the demonic yellow eyes, or covering my ears and singing a little ditty I called “Potato Head kids” during scary movie preview music (“potato head kids, potato head kids, I love potato kids I sure do do”). It meant playing hide and go seek or Sardines in the dark of a basement and wondering whether actual intruders would also think to hide in the spots where I could hide.

When I finally read Conversations with God almost a decade ago, the thought that stuck with me longest was this: all of our decisions come from a place of fear, or they come from a place of love. All negative feelings, by whatever name we may call them, come from the root of fear, and the same for all the feelings of light and joy, which stem from love. When I look back at my life and reflect on the times when I have felt uncertain, afraid to move forward, or felt a general lack of fulfillment, I felt paralyzed. Like things were happening to me, other people around me were making decisions, and my sense of agency had temporarily disappeared. Not surprisingly, coming out on the other side of Fear was a renewal of self-love and Freedom. I know this from when my now-husband and I decided to commit to our relationship and live together before we got married; I know this from being able to quit a once-loved job and finding that I have many other talents and passions; I know this from trusting my marriage enough to leave a familiar place and begin a new adventure and life with my husband. Even though now we live physically farther away from any of my closest friends and family than I have my entire life, I feel so connected to him and spiritually connected to my loved ones. Maybe I wasn’t willing to try so hard when seeing friends and family seemed more feasible, but now I know better and treasure those relationships even more.

I won’t pretend to myself that I will never again feel fearful or worried or confused about what I am “supposed” to be doing. What I will remind myself is that the Universe is unfolding as it should, speaking to me in all of the interactions of my daily life. Why else, in the same week, would I have received: 1)a reflection from my old church about listening to God’s call, 2) an email from my sister saying that she started her own blog and encouraging me to do the same, and 3) the gift of a conversation with my dear friend who is in the midst of taking her own leap of faith into the next Step of her life journey. In listening to and talking to all of them, I am reassured that I am exactly where I need to be right now.

3 responses to “Being Scared

  • Kat

    Classic, KP. So glad I get to read your thoughts even though you are thousands of miles away.

  • sillygooseinkansascity

    Great entry. I was going to share with you that yesterday I got a call from the director at Cristo Rey (the one who asked me about cross country coaching who I had turned down) and he was simply calling to tell me that he respected my decision. He also said he was exactly where I was last year–he switched careers after 30 years!–and knows what it means to follow your gut. I hung up the phone and my immediate thought was, “Thanks God.” 🙂

  • lolamtrinity3

    love the blog cabrerry. I also enjoy your writing which is why I save every single card from you 🙂 I, too, remember that part of conversations with God and since then have tried to make my decisions from a place of love or at least recognize when I am making them out of fear. I can’t wait to come visit you in Alaska. tell pops I said hi.

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